Holiday Stress and Going Home when you are LGBTQ2S+
It can be a stressful time for anyone but it is a harsher reality for some LGBTQ2s+ people during the holidays
The spectrum of being out with your gender identity and/or sexuality varies per individual. From fully ‘closeted,’ where no one knows except yourself, to everyone including your extended family being aware. Then from that, you as an individual vary how far away you express yourself from old outdated traditional ‘norms.’ There is greater than 4% of the population in Canada/US that identify as LGBTQ2S+ and for many, the holidays can be quite stressful and mentally damaging.
In this article I will use LGBTQ2S+ and queer interchangeably. Many use queer as an all encompassing term for those who have sexual and/or gender identities that are not straight or cisgender. My intent is to use the word in a positive manner.
Some LGBTQ2S+ Holiday Stressors when Going Home:
Not being “out” to those you spend holidays with
Being alone for the holidays due to being outright rejected by family and/or friends
Being out but not accepted by some of your family members
Having those you spend holidays with misgender you
Identifying as bisexual and having family ignore your sexuality and pretend you are heterosexual
Your partner is not out to their family or you are introducing a new/first lgbtq+ partner
Having unproductive conversations about your sexuality with family
You are not alone if the holidays make you feel overwhelmed for these or other LGBTQ2S+ related reasons. These stressors are on top of the more common ones related to the holidays and family gatherings; financial stress, family/social pressures, dietary concerns, maintaining routines, unreasonable expectations, social media envy, political/religious differences and more.
Prioritizing yourself, your safety, and your mental health during the holidays is not a selfish act by any means.
Some Tips for the Holiday Season:
1) Avoiding or Reducing Exposure to Social Media
It is important to remind yourself that what people post on any social media platform are normally a facade or ‘best-self.’ You will just see over the top happy and positive pictures/videos of people with family, friends and/or their significant other(s). Make your own time and how you enjoy it special, don’t compare it to what others are doing.
2) The Holidays are Fully Up to You, If and How You Celebrate
Just because it is the holiday season, it doesn’t mean you have to celebrate it. Make it your own. Celebrate friendships, yourself, go on a trip, binge old seasons of Drag Race or just carry on with your usual routine. Not being surrounded by holiday culture when you go out of your living space may be hard but just try paying less attention to it, or engulf it in and enjoy the season. It is up to you. This also goes for religious aspects of the holidays.
2) Book in a Therapy Session
Seeing a psychotherapist or any other therapist before/during the holiday season is a great idea. Having someone to talk to openly about your thoughts, feelings and concerns is very therapeutic. If the end of benefit season has you unable to find an appointment anywhere there are many LGBTQ2S+ support groups present during the holidays. Places like The 519 in Toronto have many options and resources. Try to find support in your community.
3) Simply Avoiding Family and Friends that Cause Stress
Obviously this isn’t THAT simple for some. It is also hard to not feel like you owe your family to be there with them during the holidays and attend all the events they have planned. But you have to remember you have a choice and it is up to you to debate the pros and cons. If your family is potentially harming your mental and maybe physical well-being, this year may be the year you focus on you.
4) Spend Time with those who Support You and Your Community
Be it to replace going home for the holidays, trying not to spend them alone, or balancing it out with seeing your family. Make an effort to be around those who love and support you. In-person, online or phone chats. It’s a busy time for many people so it is best to make concrete plans in advance so that you can feel more connected and supported during the holidays. Or join in on community events you haven’t taken part of and meet new people.
5) Distract Yourself
Keeping yourself busy can be a good way to keep your spirits up. And I don’t mean frantically ‘spring’ cleaning your place, unless that brings you joy, but increase the exposure you have to activities, hobbies or things that make you happy. Or try out new ones. With many people gone for the holidays you will find some places less busy leading up to the holidays (except shopping centres). Those include gyms, museums, aquariums, observatories and libraries. Attractions tend to be most busy from Dec 26-Jan 2.
6) Create an Escape Plan and Support System
If you do end up planning to go home for the holidays and fear that things may get out of hand, make sure to create an escape plan so you don’t end up in a bad situation. Reach out to friends or allied family members beforehand to ask if you can escape to their place if being at home turns out badly. PFLAG has a great article for both LGBTQ2S+ persons and allies on how to manage going back home for the holidays.
This time of year can be a tough time for everyone, but the stress and struggles that come with identifying as LGBTQ2S+ during the month of seasons greetings are unique. If you are an ally, a family member of an LGBTQ2S+ person, or a queer individual yourself, I hope this article gave you insight and appreciation. These stresses don’t only occur during the holidays for many, it is every time when they are going back to visit family. Please treat others with kindness and respect, even if someone is acting out in distress. This season isn’t easy for a lot of people, keep an open mind, and be gentle with one another.
Below are some resources and social groups that support a variety of areas of the LGBTQ2S+ community in Ontario.